You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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