I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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