Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
