I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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