This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Define "chronic" masturbator.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize