I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
