I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
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