I wish I could teleport
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
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