Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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