If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
