What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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