I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Randomize
