I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
