Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize