while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
