Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
