i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
