So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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