so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Randomize
