You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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