And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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