I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
