I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Randomize
