Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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