Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
