This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
