Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
