I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I didn't notice because vodka
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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