Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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