Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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