I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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