I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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