You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
