You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Randomize
