Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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