If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
