you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
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