I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
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