I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
