I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Randomize
