So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
