I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
