Your tits are I can't wait for
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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