you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
