I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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