He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
