I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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