Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
