Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
