I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
