Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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