I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
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