Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
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