i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
