quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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