you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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