All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
