When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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