Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
